A tribute to my brother

This is the first time in over 9 months that I am actually writing something for my blog. And as with most of my writings I am at a loss of how to start this but I will just go with it and let my heart lead, no trying to be cute or any of that. Just pure, raw emotion straight from my heart.

My brother passed exactly 2 months ago today…

And as I finished that sentence I cried for the first time since his burial when I sat there helplessly watching as shovelful by shovelful of earth covered his casket bringing a sort  finality to it all. He really was gone…

It still cuts like a knife. I don’t know if I am ever going to get used to him not being here anymore.To calling his phone and not be met with “Hey baby girl”.

This is the first time that I have had death hit so close to home, before July 6th it was just the normal pattern of life…people are born and they died, its sad, I genuinely felt bad for anyone that suffered the loss of a loved one but until that day that person was never me. No one ever thinks people they love are going to die, or maybe I am wrong there but I certainly didn’t think it.

My big brother was always going to be there, my best friend since my birth, we bonded over books and music, he is the reason I am so well versed in 90s and early 2000s Hip Hop and RnB, we argued, hurt each other’s feelings, were there for each other for the small things and the big things…

He was just always going to be there. I saw him taking charge at the biggest milestone achievements of my life like he always had till the night of June 24th. Him having an opinion on who I date, him being there for my graduation, my wedding, career goal achievements, the birth of my children…

He was just going to be there, smiling like he always did with his beautiful gap toothed smile that was an exact replica of our mother’s. He was always going to be there…

Brian…

5 years older than me, of all my siblings I was closest to him and for as long as I could remember, we were best friends. When we were younger I would follow him everywhere, confident that my big brother was there to protect me from any dangers, and he did… He always did.

I remember an incident when I couldn’t have been more than 3 or 4- yes I actually do remember some things from as far back as that- when he was outside with his friends playing on their bikes, he should have been 8 or 9 and in the reckless abandon of the excitement of childhood play, he knocked over some charcoal that a lady had put out for sale. She was livid, commanded him to pick up every piece as she went on and on letting everyone know how mad she was, I was in the house but must have heard the commotion, so I went to the door, saw him picking up the charcoal pieces while looking very repentant and saw that his friends were just standing there watching so I went there and helped him pick.

I had forgotten all about this till early this year when he reminded me and said he and I had always been best friends and it would always be that way… That’s just how it’s always been.

When I was 20 and in my first real relationship-I started dating really late- which unfortunately turned emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive really quick and may even have turned physically abusive too if I had not left when I did, Brian heard about the guy I was dating from God knows where but he was not pleased and he came home immediately and asked if it was true -my ex did not have a very good reputation. I said yes and he told me all the things about him that I already knew but was ignoring for some reason and then he said I deserve so much better than that, this was not what he wanted for me. So I got up with the pieces of my broken heart and walked out of the relationship, broken and depressed but I knew I’d be OK because my big brother said I would. And needless to say, I am more than OK and I even wonder what smacked me in the head to get in and stay in such a relationship.

I never got to say goodbye. He was in a coma for 12 days before he finally passed. We don’t even know what really happened that night of the assumed accident. All I know is that I love him and a huge chunk of my heart was buried with him on July 9th. And that for a long time words of comfort felt like mocking, its only now that I can really appreciate it when someone says “I am sorry for your loss”. To be so paralyzed by grief, to question why… Why did he have to die? And perhaps after 2 months I am expected to be doing OK now… I don’t know if I or any of my family, his widow, his little girls or the people that loved him will ever be OK but I am thankful to have had a big brother. It was an honor and a privilege. But I do miss him dearly and it still cuts like a knife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “A tribute to my brother

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  1. A truly touching and well composed piece of writing filled with sincerity and emotion. It’s good to see you bouncing bouncing back after such a loss and I look forward to reading more of your blog posts.

    Like

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