It is always a scary concept, for me and most people, I’d like to believe. The first day at school as a young child, puberty, relationships, making new friends and enemies, being given responsibilities, going into business, going to college, starting work, moving out on my own. All these I’ve had to face mostly with my heart beating fearfully in my chest.
As the year comes to a close I find myself at a point where I have to accept that a new change in inevitable. Leaving my job and possibly moving back in with my mother.
There comes a time when one can not fight against the tide anymore, when one has to let what must be, be. That is the case concerning my job. As much as I love the independence and money, I’ll admit it, money is a big motivation when it comes to my decision to work. That, and the fact that I wanted to be in the same city as my boyfriend.
And then circumstances arise that force one to make a difficult but in this case, necessary decision. It is just not wise anymore to stay at my job. I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of the future. But then again, I am the very same girl that told people that my dream was to be an employer, not an employee. I smile when I think of that sweet, ambitious little girl most people thought naïve.
But I am saddened when I think of how her dreams and opinions got drowned by the harsh realities of being a grown up, where she was told that day dreams and talking to herself are things that only children do.
As the clock ticks on, leading us into a new day, christmas day, a day whose meaning I have seen change from the birth of christ and traditional festive Zambian feasting on Rice and Chicken to shopping and the celebration of a suited man bearing gifts to all who have been nice. But those are ramblings for another day. As the clock ticks on, I think about my family, my youth, my friends, my dreams.
If I could ask santa for one thing, it would be courage. The courage to face the future with dignity and firmness. I know all will be ok, it always is. My uncle told me today that fire is important for the growth of man.
I need the peace of mind that comes with knowing that after the crash, after the fire, I will rise from the flames like the mystical phoenix, for that is what man was meant to do.
A very Merry Christmas to all.